Holly Call

(Bringgg! Bringgg!!)

The Devil: Hello?

God: Hey Mephistopheles, it’s Yahweh

D: Hey Pal, what’s good?

G: Not much, bored as all heaven. It’s remarkable how boring clouds are.

D: Wouldn’t know, don’t get much of them down here, lot of smoke, but that’s pretty cool to watch. And You could stare at hellfire for hours, it’s so hypnotic and… sorry, I know I’m not helping.

G: Don’t sweat it guy. (Sighs) It’s just all these damned Christians. I swear to Me, I’ve never met such a congregation of boring, tight-ass losers in all eternity. I don’t get these people, I send the Kid down, maybe He can show them how to be better Jews, and the start a freaking religion after Him.

D: Well, to be fair God, He did get a bit too preachy and - don’t get Me wrong, I know it’s Your style – You were a bit heavy on the theatrics.

G: Yeah, maybe so. Nobody’s perfect, right? Anyway, they show up here and they can’t even relax, they spend most of their time praying and talking about me. It’s like, “guys, You can ease up on that now, You’re already here. And there are no upgrades, so why not lighten up a bit?” You know the Muslims come in here like it’s fucking Vegas, all psyched about big orgies. Sadly, Mohammad was drunk when he made the deal & didn’t hammer out the details, so they find out their reward is seventy-two pimpled teenagers playing Dungeons & Dragons. But You know those Muslims; they have a hearty laugh about it and round up a good game of poker. But these Christians…fuck!

D: Can’t say I know much about them, but they have given Me some great company. In fact, we’ve had to expand like a dozen times because of those guys. We don’t mind, we’re pretty easy going down here. The more the merrier, You know?

G: No Lucifer, I don’t! …Ahh what I’d give to be You right now. You get all the intellectuals. Remember when You told Me about that conversation You had with Nietzsche and Einstein and Nietzsche said “Ah, it all makes sense, we get our electricity from electrons and our morality from morons.”

D: Ha ha, of course! That Friedrich.

G: Yeah, well I got the morons who think an electron is “that blond feller on ‘Merican Gladiators.” It’s like they choose to be dumb. They don’t even believe in evolution, I’ll say that again: they don’t believe in evolution! That’s like believing there is no driveway because You parked in the garage. (Sarcastically) Yeah guys, You’re right, it makes much more sense that I threw this shit together in six days, but took time to bury billions of fossils to test Your faith.

D: That’s a bitch, brother. I’ll tell You, I thought the dinosaurs were some bad ass, out-there creatures. Primo shit my friend, truly inspired.

G: Thanks man. But that’s it, isn’t it? I mean, that’s the worst part. I worked forever on this thing. It’s insanely complex, infinitely dope, beautiful as anything and intriguing as they come. And the more Your guys figure it out, the more my guys say “No, God did it, and he did it by molding us out of ash and clay and ribs,” like I’m some arts and crafts hobby schmuck. It’s really insulting, and being omnipresent, I have to hear it all the time.

D: I’m sorry, but didn’t they get this from You?

G: Dude, that was thousands of years ago, do You know how hard it is to explain this shit in Aramaic? Besides, those folk didn’t understand how birds fly. You read children lullabies, not great literature. But You’d think, in the day of the iPhone…

D: Yeah, I hate to say I told You so, but I did warn You that this religion thing would not play out well. But no, You were hyped, kept saying it was a “good investment”, wouldn’t be dissuaded.

G: Well, we can’t all be as wonderful as Satan. Man, I wish I could just give it all back, You know, get rid of it… Anyway, You want to get some grub at that little Chinese food place in the center of the Sun?

D: Nah, I can’t, I’ve got band practice. We’re doing a huge show on Saturday. Buddha just joined, wants to play the triangle, it’s not really our style, but who can say no to that jolly bastard? Anyway, we’ve got Zeus to do the lighting, Janis singing backup and Vishnu can tear it up on guitar. It’s going to be great, You should come!

G: I wish, but You know I can’t. Even after I get out of the kingdom of heaven I have to go through all of purgatory to get to You guys. Ack, and there are all those babies there, You know how I feel about babies

D: True enough, amigo. Well I bet You’re not doing anything Sunday, we’ll kick it then.

G: Sounds good, bad buddy.

D: Later.

(Click)